Know who's responsible for Rob Ford? John Tory is!
I’m lying in bed, trying to sleep, staring at the ceiling, freaked out because right now this second we’re all surrounded by tens of thousands of idiots - one of whom has a goddamn Rob Ford for Mayor sign up on their lawn ON MY STREET - who just elected a redneck, homophobic, reactionary asshole as our newest mayor, when it hits me: this is all John Tory’s fault. AGAIN.
In 2003, Tory was just good enough to ice out Babs Hall and John Nunziata (well, duh, who wasn’t), and looked to have the thing in the bag, until he misplayed - we’re talking Billy Buckner-level misplayed - a nothing-of-an-issue called the bridge to the Island Airport. (Don’t think it was a nothing issue? Come enjoy Toronto traffic infrastructure 2010 style - and then ruminate on what Der Fordher has in store - and then tell me that the Island Airport bridge was an important issue. I dare you. I double dare you, motherfucker.).
Tory tried really hard, but his campaign never recovered, and he lost to an unknown with a broom in his hand who had all sorts of lovely Tommy Douglas ideals about how he was going to unite council, fix the bleeding ulcer of the municipal employees and their contracts, and use transit to make Toronto the city of tomorrow.
So, to recap: by being such a schmuck and letting a minor issue become the campaign deal-breaker, Tory fucked Toronto once by letting a lightweight yotz like Miller get the prize.
So that was screw-up number one.
Now fast forward to the summer of 2010. John Tory, for about 3 days, looks like he’s going to enter the mayoral race again. And like all sane citizens of the Big Smoke who are starting to smell a little Germany 1933 in the air I think to myself, “whew! This is perfect! Now the 905s will have a staunch right-wing champion of industry to vote for, leaving Rob Ford as the nutjob candidate of choice for the retards, murderers, perverts, and other fine readers of the Sun. The right-wing vote is thereby split, and Smitherman, that wonderful, glorious, egotistical windbag of a man, will take the prize, which is nevertheless better than Ford taking it. Whew. Crisis averted”.
But noooooo. Selfish crybaby John Tory didn’t want to be the “Red Tory” that Bay Street and the Bridle Path could all vote for and not feel like they were voting for Obama. No, he wasn’t happy taking it on the chin again for Toronto - even though LAST TIME he did it, the result was victory for a guy who couldn’t manage a Burger King, let alone the Megacity!!!
And that was screw-up number two.
By losing to Miller, and by refusing to lose to Smitherman, John Tory managed to retard Toronto’s progress as an urban environment by at least 30 years - the 15 years he directly screwed up, plus another 15 to start to reverse the damage, assuming someone competent shows up the next time round. (I ain’t holding my breath.)
I’m guessing that explaining this to people kills my chances of a partnership at Tory’s, but I think I’ll get over it. No doubt I’ll eventually get over what Rob Ford’s about to do to the denizens of this fair city, too; only I hope he’s at least man enough to kiss me first. Cuz in the immortal words of St. Pacino, “I like to get kissed… before I get fucked”.
“Rock ‘n’ roll is a blood sport, a sport of men. It’s for the people in the dark, the death cats, the masturbators, the outcasts who have no voice, no way of saying I hate this world, my father’s a faggot, fuck you, fuck authority - I want an orgasm! Now, growl! Moan! This ain’t women’s lib, kiddies - the is women’s libido! I wanna see the scratch marks down their fucking backs! Now, do it again. Again. Like your boyfriend just fucked your sister in your parent’s bed. LIKE YOU WANT A FUCKING ORGASM!”— Michael Shannon as Kim Fowley in The Runaways (via suicideblonde)